Thank you

A person who hasn’t been in my life for a few years just passed away yesterday. The news stunned me; it made me feel like my insides are thrashing about while my outsides are frozen.

I never feel like I’m worthy of any elaborate or eloquent eulogy, but I do want to express my appreciation for this young man.  

Thank you for being my very first crush in elementary school and showing me that boys are in fact, not icky.

Thank you for choosing to be my friend even when everyone else was careless with their words at that age.

Thank you for coming back into my life years later, just when I needed you, and reminding me what it feels like to have that same childhood crush after years of feeling numb and building up walls.

Thank you for making me smile to a point where I simply couldn’t stop because I was so happy with you even though I was fumbling around in the dark.

Thank you for granting me so many tender memories together - wrapping me in your arms when I was being cold, always holding my hand when I was scared, and making me feel beautiful and funny enough for anything or anyone.

Thank you for giving me the lessons that only a broken heart can teach, and still loving me even when I broke your heart over and over again.

Finally, thank you for being a part my world and changing me. You mean so much more to me than you will ever know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

When we broke up, I was devastated. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed because I was overwhelmed with the realization that you weren’t going to be a part of my life anymore. I wanted to tell you everything, and I wanted things to be different between us, and I wanted to let you know that I’m not afraid of being weak anymore. But I didn’t, and you didn’t, and even though we both moved on, I want you to know that I will always miss you.

So thank you, Patrick.